I joined a moms group in my area this past fall (MOPS—I highly recommend!). At our first meeting, each of us filled out a “get-to-know-you” questionnaire. One of the questions was, “I never thought I’d say__________________.” Somewhat ironically, I filled it in with, “I’m a stay-at-home mom.”
When each of my two kids was born, I was able to take extended maternity leave from work, for which I’m very grateful. Deep down, a part of me always wanted to quit my 9-5 job and be home with the kids. Around month four of being home with them, however, I came to the conclusion that I just couldn’t cut it and that I would be happier (and thus be a better mom) if I went back to work.
How did I get to that conclusion? Various reasons, but at the root of it all was this: The lack of control I had over my environment made me feel like a failure.
My “environment” being my kids. 🙂
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get them to do what I wanted or expected (not like I had much expectations for the infant). This made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, which was already a sore spot for me.
My “working” job, on the other hand, made me feel the complete opposite. I was good at it. I had respect. I made good money. It made me feel valuable.
So why do I enjoy being at home now? I no longer need to feel in control of my children, nor do I find my value in my “job,” whatever that may be.
I know my true value in the eyes of God, and that’s more important to me than my value in the eyes of the world. The more I see myself in the way He sees me, the less I look to the world to define my value. And as far as having “control”? I still struggle with that. But as I put more faith in God, those out-of-control moments with the kids affect me less and less. There’s actually peace in giving up control to God.
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. And even the hairs of your head are all counted. So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:29-31 (NRSV)
Purple Petunia 