I don’t respond well to criticism from my husband, even though he’s always gentle with it. For the same reason, I have a hard time saying “I’m sorry” to him. I could count on just two hands how many times I’ve said it to him over the years.
I often (okay, ALWAYS) get defensive when he tells me how my actions impacted him. No matter how gently he says it, my thoughts automatically go to, “I’m failing at this. I’m a failure.”
So I’ve gotten pretty good at making it look like HE is the problem, and not me. Do you do that, too? Shift the focus from yourself to HIM?
After some quiet time with our Father in Heaven, I realized what was underneath. Acknowledging that I did something wrong or saying “I’m sorry” means I’m not perfect. That’s no surprise—none of us are! So what am I afraid of?
Abandonment. The more I fall short of being perfect, the more likely it is that he’ll leave me. So I put up a shield of pride to hide the fear underneath. “How dare you tell me I’m not perfect! YOU’RE not perfect!”
Maybe you’ve been abandoned before? Maybe it wasn’t a physical abandonment, but an emotional one. A father, mother, husband, boyfriend, sibling? At some point, someone you loved left you. Whether you think it’s their fault or yours (or neither), you can’t bear to go through that again, so you retaliate in subsequent relationships by guarding yourself.
The thing is, in marriage you WILL fail. Repeatedly! It’s 100% guaranteed. No, you’re not perfect, but that’s ok. No one is expecting you to be. Not even God. If you were perfect, then there would’ve been no reason for Jesus’ death on the cross.
And your husband knows you’re not perfect, too. He has probably seen you at your worst, but yet he’s still there, isn’t he?
So what do we about this fear? Is there any guarantee that your husband will never leave you? No. Will God be with you no matter what happens? Yes. Does He want you to walk in faith in your marriage and not in fear? Yes, and amen.
Responding with pride instead of repentance is actually making things worse. So while my defensive reaction is aimed at preventing the thing I fear, it’s actually making it more likely. Ah, the irony…
Take down your shield of pride (or other bad coping mechanism you may have) along with me, and be honest about your fear. It’s difficult (and uncomfortable) to do, but it will bring you closer.
Replace fear with transparency, and pride with repentance, and let’s see what happens! 😉
“Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18 (ESV)
Purple Petunia 