Imagine you and your spouse are holding onto a rope. When your spouse starts pulling on the rope and moving away from you, you’re left to do one of four things:
(1) hang on to the rope, but let it slip in your hands (i.e., create more distance between you two),
(2) hold on tight and go along for the ride (i.e., be dragged),
(3) hold on tight, but pull harder in the opposite direction (i.e., drag your spouse instead), or
(4) give up and let go of the rope altogether.
Which of these do you typically do? What SHOULD you do?
Admittedly, I typically “default” to option (3): pull even harder in the opposite direction. If my husband gives me the cold shoulder, I tend to give him a colder shoulder. Why would I do that? Because I don’t want to be the vulnerable one!
Vulnerability…such a scary place to be, isn’t it? You’re out there on your knees with your arms up in the air saying, “Here I am! I love you! You can either hurt me or love me back. The choice is yours.”
So your heart is on the table. Your spouse can either cuddle it or smush it. Fear sets in, and you begin to think, “I’ll take my chances against the smushing, and keep my heart to myself. Better yet, if I keep the upper hand, then I’ll be able to smush his heart before he can smush mine.” Hence, the pulling of the rope in the opposite direction…. I don’t think this is something we do consciously or overtly. It can even be subtle and gradual. For some like me, it’s a knee-jerk reaction.
In my marriage, this fear of vulnerability caused me to pull this proverbial “rope” away from my husband for years. If he got closer, thus creating slack in the rope, I pulled away again. Always ensuring there was some tension in the rope… This gave me a false sense of security. Keep your distance so you don’t get hurt. Sound familiar?
In response to my pulling, my husband chose option (2). Even with me dragging him all over the place, he never let go, which I somehow rationalized as a weakness of his. So instead of just turning around and seeing how much he loved me and wouldn’t let go, I decided to do him a favor and let go of the rope myself (i.e., give up). I can’t even remember why I began pulling away from him in the first place. Something trivial, I’m sure. The truth is, I didn’t need a reason to pull. One day, I just started pulling out of fear.
When and how this fear starts is different for everyone. But if you don’t deal with it and ask God to help you heal from it, it will grow and poison you and all your relationships.
If two becoming one is the goal in marriage, then vulnerability is the way to get there. So how do we do that, especially when we have this immense fear of getting hurt?
What if I told you there’s actually a 5th option in my little rope scenario? One that is failproof and will always lead to the best outcome. Are you ready??? Here it is:
(5) Put down the rope, and let God be the “rope.” Hold onto God with one hand and onto your spouse with the other hand, and pray that your spouse chooses to do the same.
Don’t ever forget—God wants you, your spouse, and your marriage to soar. If you choose to follow God and ask Him to help you love your spouse in the way He tells you to, you’ll NEVER go wrong. Letting God be the “rope” in your marriage means being vulnerable to God! If you believe God loves you beyond measure and that He will never leave nor forsake you, then being vulnerable to God shouldn’t be that difficult! You’re in good hands!
So try seeing it as being vulnerable not to your spouse, but to GOD. As you open your heart to God, you will open your heart to your spouse as well. Two-for-one!
If you’re going to retaliate, retaliate with love, just as your Father in Heaven does! “We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19.
If this is resonating with you, say this prayer with me today:
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for my spouse. I know You love me, You love him, and You love our marriage. I’m sorry that I have been rejecting this blessing You have given me. I have let fear dominate over love in my mind and in my marriage. Help me to love my spouse in the way that You love us. Help me to open up to him and always pursue him, even when he has done me wrong or is pulling away from me. Help me to show him nothing but love and forgiveness. Help me to realize that I have nothing to be afraid of. I’m in Your Hands. Let the Holy Spirit be the voice in my head, telling me when I’m starting to pull away from him or react out of fear. Father, give me the courage and strength to react with love instead. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen!
Purple Petunia 