I ended my previous post, “Leaking Rage (Part 1),” saying that I knew what was causing my “leaking rage.” Turns out I only partially knew. In the days that followed, God revealed it all to me—I love when He does that. Did you ask God to reveal the source of any rage you’re feeling? He’ll tell you if you ask Him!
For me, the source of most (if not all) of my rage is the fear that I’m not “enough” to keep my loved ones happy. If they don’t go on to live wonderful lives, then it’s all my fault.
For example, if my husband is upset about something going on in his life (that doesn’t even involve me), I take responsibility for bringing him out of that funk. If I can’t, then I become fearful that my failure will result in him going down a dark path or even leaving me.
Another example, if my kids are having a rough time with something, I must not be parenting them well enough. And if they’re not happy, it must be my fault. I’m not encouraging them enough. I’m not saying the right things. I’m just not “enough” for them. If I don’t figure this out, they’ll end up with big problems as adults. Is any of this sounding familiar to you?
If you’re like me, this fear and self-doubt can transform into a rage that comes out immediately or later as “leaking rage.” Do you ever get mad at your spouse because he’s irrationally (in your mind) upset about something? Kind of like, “Don’t drag me down into your pit!” Maybe you’re mad because, deep down, you’re really just doubting yourself and your inability to pull him out of any situation. That’s immediate rage. Other times, we’re able to hold it together and, instead, internalize the rage, so it “leaks” out later at random times and at random people. That’s “leaking rage.”
So now we know the source of the rage, but where did that fear and self-doubt come from? For me, it comes from old wounds that I have not yet asked God to heal (until now). Does any of this resonate with you:
“If only I had done <fill in the blank>, then he would have been happy.”
“If only I had said <fill in the blank>, then she would’ve had a different life.”
This GUILT over a perceived failure to save a loved one turns into FEAR of failing to save another loved one. We’re afraid the same thing will happen again so we end up being in a perpetual state of panic, trying to control everything.
As a child, I remember going to a support group for children with divorced parents, and the primary message they were trying to get across to us was, “It’s not your fault.” I must’ve heard it dozens of times. And every time, I remember thinking, “Yeah, yeah, I know!”
But you know what, no matter how many times you try to tell yourself you believe the truth, you really don’t. Some of the enemy’s best lies that he puts in your head are the ones you don’t even realize you’re believing!
So for those who need to hear it, I’m going to say it to you again: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT!
We can’t be expected to heal everyone’s wounds. Only God can, so quit trying to take His place! Sure, we can and should be there to help them, teach them, and pray for them, but we are not there to be their savior. They already have one, and He’s infinitely better at it than us!
“But if I were you, I would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before him. He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.” Job 5:8-9
“Is it by your understanding that the hawk soars and spreads his wings toward the south? Is it at your command that the eagle mounts up and makes his nest on high?” Job 39:26-27
“He changes times and seasons; he removes kings and sets up kings; he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding; he reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what is in the darkness, and the light dwells with him.” Daniel 2:21-22
Purple Petunia 